When Sex is Difficult – Free Ebook

I’m not what you’d expect from a guy. You know, I’m not one of these guys that you see in porn or something, going at it for hours and hours on end… I’m not like that. Uh… It took me a long time to actually say it: I find sex tricky. I’ve felt weird about sex my whole adult life, I think. I think what I want to do, or maybe what I don’t want to do, is sometimes exactly what I’m expected to do, in my head anyway. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I think when you’re younger, you just go along with it, you just try and treat it casually, but it’s never really felt “me.” I think if there was a porn that was designed specifically for me, it would be called, something like, “shy porn” or something. You know, something, basically, porn for people who are a bit hung up about sex. My ideal porn… Well, the guy… I think the guy would be… The guy would ask the girl if he could touch her, and I think she… I mean… They would like each other, but there would be this skill and this kind of conflict, and… I don’t know. That’s how I feel about sex. I had a dad who was really macho I didn’t really get on with him; he kind of rejected me. And… I suppose I rejected him back. And since then, I’ve just been really uncomfortable with the idea of, you know, that masculine, high-powered, sort of turbo-charged masculinity. My mum’s life was messed up by men. Maybe that’s where it comes from. For years, I’ve struggled. I even tried it with girls, and that’s fun, but it didn’t really feel like a solution. I think what I don’t like is the loss of control I think I’d like to hide my discomfort, maybe, but my body always gives me away. Yeah, and you know, you can’t really… Sometimes your dick just isn’t up for it, right? [Laughing] It just isn’t up for it. Sorry. [Woman] When we met, we were both, just I think, both at our lowest points, so that’s why we could be really honest with each other. [Man] Yeah. She was the first person I could be really, totally up-front with from the get-go. I think, actually, I said to you, “I find sex quite daunting, and I might get impotent.” Can you imagine? This is a real turn on. [Laughing] [Woman] But it was, and that’s the thing: it was him being really honest about something like that that made me kind of open up. It was that date, actually, after, when we were making tea in the kitchen. Well, I told you that I suffer from vaginismus, which is a disgusting word, but it’s basically this thing where… It’s when you get too tight during sex. It can make things really difficult because like nothing will go in. And, well, I’d never really told anyone that, but once I did, it was like a massive weight had lifted. [Man, agreeing] And because we could be completely honest with each other, it was really good. [Woman] It was the best it had ever been! [Man] And then we have sex all the time now. It’s probably not how most people have sex. You know, we think of it as sex for people who are a bit fucked up about sex. But, you know, we might do something like: we might take it really slowly, or we might just watch each other touching. Or explore… some sort of fetish or something. [Woman] Oh, you’ve got this thing about doing it in public places, or, um, I don’t know, like, sometimes, you enjoy just watching me. [Man] Yeah, sometimes I do enjoy it… That’s probably enough… [laughing] Yeah, basically, people will think this sounds really weird, but it works for us. Our Sex book explores how sex truly operates, demonstrating that: far from thinking about sex too much, we haven’t begun to think about it nearly enough.

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