We’re often in situations of wanting to help and
be kind to others, but of not knowing quite what
they might be in need of. We’d like to deepen
our connection to them and be of service, and
yet lack a real grasp of what we could plausibly
offer them; their minds seem impenetrable, their
problems opaque. At such moments, we would do
well to remember that we all possess a superpower,
a capacity to give people something we can be
sure they fundamentally require, founded on a
primordial and basic insight into human nature:
that all of us are in deep need of reassurance.
Life is a more or less ongoing emergency
for everyone. We are invariably haunted
by doubts about our value, by concerns for
our future, by shapeless anxiety and dread
about things we’ve done, by feelings of
guilt and embarrassment about ourselves.
Everyday brings new threats to our integrity
and except for very rare moments when we and
the world feel solid, there is almost always
a background throb of unwellness in our minds.
It doesn’t matter whether they are old or young,
accomplished or starting out, at the top of the
tree or struggling to get by, we can count on one
thing about anyone we meet: they’ll be beset by a
sense of insecurity and, beneath some excellent
camouflage, to a greater or lesser extent,
of desperation. That means that, more than they
perhaps even realise, they’ll be longing for
someone to say something soothing to them, a word or two to make them feel that they have a right to exist,
that we have some faith in them, that we know
things aren’t always easy for them and that – in a
vague but real way – we’re on their side. It could
be a very small, and barely perceptible remark,
but it’s effect might be critical: that something
fascinating they said sticks in our minds,
that we know the past few months
might not have been simple for them,
that we’ve found ourselves thinking of them
since our last meeting, that we’ve noticed and
admire the way they go about things, that
they deserve a break and are, we can see,
carrying so much. It’s easy to mistake the work of
reassurance with flattery. But flattery involves
a lie to gain advantage, whereas reassurance
involves revealing genuine affection – which we
normally leave out from embarrassment – in order
to bolster someone’s ability to endure. We flatter
in order to extract benefit, we reassure in order
to help. Furthermore, the flatterer tells their
prey about their strengths; the reassurer
does something infinitely more valuable:
they hint that they have seen the weaknesses,
but have only tolerance and compassion for them
on the basis of sharing fully in comparable ones
themselves. ‘I think you’re going to be fine’;
‘everyone goes through things like these’ ‘you
have nothing to be ashamed of…’ The words we
need to say to reassure aren’t new, they can
be the most apparently banal of sentences,
but we need to keep hearing them because our
minds are extremely bad at holding on to their
nourishing truths. They are, furthermore,
lines that are a great deal more valuable and
inclined to stick if someone else addresses
them to us than if we try to rehearse them
by ourselves. In 1425, the Florentine artist
Masaccio painted a rendition of Adam and Eve’s
expulsion from the Garden of Eden on the walls
of Florence’s Church of Santa Maria del Carmine.
We need not believe in any of the supernatural
aspects of Genesis to be profoundly moved by the
horror stricken faces of the banished couple.
And if we are so, it is because what we see is
a version of an agony that is essentially
universal – for all of us have effectively
been cast out of the realm of comfort and plenty
and obliged to dwell in the lands of uncertainty,
humiliation and grief. All of us are beset
by woes, all of us are worried to the core,
longing for rest and in urgent need of forbearance
and gentleness. Part of the responsibility of
living in a time that broadly no longer believes
in divine reassurance is that we are each of us
given a role to play in delivering part of that
reassurance ourselves, to our fellow sufferers,
in ordinary moments of our ordinary lives.
We cannot generally know the precise details
of other people’s travails, but we can always
be sure of a few vital things from the outset:
that they are at some level in a mood of pain
and self-suspicion, that certain very big
things will not have gone right, that there
will be intensities of loneliness, anxiety
and shame at play, and that it could hence make a
very big difference indeed if we were able to say
something, however modest and even unoriginal,
to bring a little reassurance into their day.
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