On a cold, windy winter evening, I sat at home, rapidly typing away on my computer. I had set up a rather quaint little blog for myself, and it was getting pretty popular. My latest post was discussing gender equality, or rather inequality. You know, it’s pretty hard to be a woman. The constant catcalling when you walk down the street, the consistent online name-calling when playing the latest Call of Duty, and the worst thing of all, the fake relationship circle made up by basement-dwelling nerds. The friend zone. I finished the post at around 6:30, and quickly posted it to my blog, “thepersecutedwoman.blogspot.com”. In no time at all, the post blew up, with people voicing their support from all over the world. I felt pretty proud of myself, until I saw a comment that made me stop in my tracks. It wasn’t anything disturbing, it was simply the letter “M”. The poster of the comment’s profile picture contained the all-too-familiar neck bearded face, but something about it was different. Instead of the friendly, cheerful eyes of “fedora guy” I saw bloody, mangled, sockets. Two objects that appeared to be Doritos were stabbed into the empty sockets. A plastic tube stuck through a hole in his cheek and it had a strange green fluid pumping through it. The mere sight of it made me want to vomit. Who chooses something like that for a profile pic? The name attached to the picture was, “Nicest Guy”. “Yeah I bet.” I thought to myself. A shiver went down my spine.
Thirty minutes later, another comment by the same poster appeared. The letter “L”. I heard a chip-crunching sound from outside my window. By this point I was getting unnerved, but I went and watched some funny YouTube videos and then returned to my blog 30 minutes later. Another comment appeared. This was the letter “A”. I looked outside my window and saw a black fedora hanging from a branch of a tree. I wonder how that got up there? The letter “D” was next, and I heard the sound of a liter bottle of soda being opened from downstairs. This was the turning point. I locked the door to my room and tried to call 9-1-1. Crap. My phone was dead. At this point I quickly looked back at my computer. The last comment. The letter “Y”. Now I realized what was happening. All the comments spelled “M’lady”. I heard someone walking up the stairs, I turned off my light. I heard someone walking towards my room, I hid under the bed. Suddenly there was silence. It was deafening. I started to cry. The door knob slowly started to turn. I thought it was locked! A dark figure stepped into the room. It was so dark I couldn’t make out what it was or what it was doing, but suddenly, lightning flashed outside and I saw something that I will never forget. The hideous creature grabbed the brim of his hat, and the tipping intensified.
Credit To – Joseph Rogers
NOTE: This was initially posted on Crappypasta, but it received such a positive response there already that I decided to go ahead and use it for this year’s Parodypasta posting spree. Given that the story would have likely hit the mark for being eligible to be called a Crappypasta Success Story anyhow, it seemed silly to force the author to wait an entire year to see it posted for April Fools 2016. Here is the original post at Crappypasta, for those who are interested!