The Terror of a No – Free Ebook

There are many things, we want to ask of other people we want to ask for a job for money, a chance to collaborate, a kiss but, generally we don’t ask because of a terror of a no why should a no, such a small and innocuous word prove quite so painful, so hard to hear so much something we need to avoid that we’d rather die in penury ignored, and unfulfilled than ever heared it’s because it’s not a case of trying not to hear a no what we are trying to do, is avoid hearing something quite different that we are disgusting all of us have access to a disgusting self-image a repertoire of all the most broken floored embarassing and weak sides of who we are and it’s precisely this self-image that is awoken and engaged whenever people say no to us we are not heaing no we’d be fine if we were we’re hearing: you are an arrogant laughable jumped up illusional clumsy repulsive pond-life now wonder, we got reluctant to ask but in truth of course, others are not remotely saying this to us they can’t guess how we are feeling inside it’s not written on our forehead, and most importantly it’s not even true we’ve got some tricky sides of course, but so does everyone else we are a mixture of good and bad like everyone else we are okay, we deserve to exist when people say no, they are not thinking about us here is the only reason why people ever say no and we need this emblazened on billboards so we don’t forget it but real reason people say no, is that it doesn’t fit in with their plans they are not thinking about your stupidest deeds, the nicknames people called you at school or what you get up to late at night that’s in your head, not theirs they are just worried about their plans we are losing out on some consoling insights because we are failing to bring our own experience of what we felt when we said no to people we said no not because we hated them we did it for an obvious now repeated reason it didn’t fit in with our plans but here is the key reason to try asking we just don’t know where people are with their plans and we can be sure of this by looking at our own experience when we think about it, there are actually a suprising number of things that we would theoretically give other people if only they asked we would say yes at many perhaps suprising points we would ready to give certain people money, time, kisses if they asked but usually people don’t ask because they don’t know where we are with our lives all of us are fundamentally ignorant of other people’s plans we just can’t really tell what others might say yes or no because we don’t have access to their projects and visions we are attempting to overcome our the lack of data by foreclosing in a pessimistic direction but we should instead simply try to get more data by asking we should respond to ignorants with curiosity, not to spare we should remember to that we can survive a no from a distance we feel it would be a catastrophy if it were a no from close-up, we can be sure we’d shrug it off in 3 hours we’re big people now of course as small children we were very vulnerable and perhaps adults said no to us at key moments, and it hurt and now, we are trying not to get hurt again but the mind is slow to realise the time we’ve grown, we perhaps 6 feet tall now we have a bank account, perhaps a car, maybe children of our own we can survive a no and in any case, not asking is not cost-free we are avoiding the pain of rejection but we are settling for something that is more insidious and just as troubling a lack of opportunity not asking life for something means implicitly asking it for something else failure from the outset and this is especially sad because life is so very short what we should really be scared of is not a no but reaching on deathbeds unfulfilled we should ask

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