The Sex Starved Relationship – Free Ebook

being in a relationship where it doesn’t feel like there’s enough sex sounds like a trivial and somewhat comedic luxury problem as though someone were complaining there wasn’t enough tennis or yoga between a couple but an absence of sex isn’t trivial in the least it’s a humbling ly serious problem and might even be what dooms the relationship itself one statistic stands out in an average year in the OECD countries 70% of those who initiated divorce cited a lack of sex as the first or second reason for parting if there’s one generalization we can make about couples it’s that a lack of sex by which we mean something like less than four times a month is an alarm bell we should listen to why is sex such a key part of keeping two people close because in sex two people accept each other in the most profound of ways the apparently dirty and shameful sides of us the way would fantasies in the unusual longings are legitimated through sex someone else witnesses and accepts us as bodily and psychological beings sex symbolizes an end to loneliness and a reaffirmation of trust not daring or wanting to have sex with a partner is tantamount to admitting that one can’t be one’s self in their presence a lack of sex is bad enough but far worse is the way in which the unreciprocated longing for sex tends to manifest itself typically the person who wants it doesn’t ask very clearly maybe merely sliding a hand over in a timid half-hearted search for reciprocation they don’t complain calmly don’t deliver an eloquent self-confidence speech about how difficult they’re finding it and don’t inquire sympathetically as to what might be going on in a partner far too often they tend to quickly move on to symptomatic behavior wherein their disappointment and sense of humiliation are acted out rather than disgust they bang dishes they get mean a whole raft of conflicts then develops that has ostensibly nothing to do with sex and yet is caused by its absence one starts squabbling over the in-laws in a state of the kitchen the one who’s been let down sexually behaves so sadly they start to seem like a monster further reducing the chances of sex ever taking place eventually the sex staffed party may simply go off and have an affair not because they don’t love their partner but because showing their desire has become so fraught with rejection that they’re out for a bit of revenge the lack of sex discussion is so hard to have because quite simply it feels so shameful to be unwanted sexually it plays into every worst fear about unacceptability it’s bad enough when it happens on a date it’s even sadder to have to admit that one’s being rejected by one’s partner inside the apparent safety and commitment of a long-term relationship maybe there’s something wrong with them but far more likely there’s something revolting about us key to a process of reconciliation is to rein in one’s wilder feelings of rejection and self-disgust in order to be able to consider why the other party might have gone off sex here’s a key fact everyone wants sex in principle when it isn’t wanted it’s because a condition for sex is not being met and then not communicated privately the sex rejecting party has a problem they’re not sharing they might in secret be thinking I might have sex if only you listened more to my problems with my family or if you gave me more time to do my work or if you weren’t so mean to me around domestic chores there might be kinkier reasons I’d have more sex if you allow me to play out certain fantasies if you were more broad-minded about role-playing if you were more into kissing or wanted it rough or could be more submissive the person being denied sex hasn’t usually had any chance to hear these reasons in plain unyk using Gentle terms or maybe they’ve heard them but without a sober awareness of what’s really at stake here there’s been no proper communication there for a classic recommendation deliberately artificial is that the two parties aware that their entire relationship probably depends on getting this right should write each other a letter title simply what I want from sex it’s a chance to be deeply honest about your true sexual identity it’s then incumbent on both parties to take the others words seriously and in good faith two people are always going to be a bit sexually incompatible but we shouldn’t get so scared and angry at this that we create a secondary barrier of hurt punishment and shame we should take the first steps to finding a way in which what you want and what they want can in a modest way be harmonized and a sarcasm and bang dishes can stop every time such a conversation about sex happens in the quiet of the night the angels of relationships hover over the bedroom and sound their silent trumpets in celebration because another couple have just critically improved their chances of lasting a little longer together if you like our films take a look at our shop the School of Life comm forward slash shop you’ll find lots of thoughtful books games stationery and more you

Leave a Reply