There are so many ways to be unhappy in love,
but one kind which modern psychology has given
particular attention to are relationships,
very high in number, in which one of the parties
is defined as avoidant in their attachment
patterns – and the other as anxious. Attachment
Theory is the term given to a set of ideas
about how we love and the role of childhood
therein originally developed by the English
psychologist John Bowlby in the 50s and 60s.
It divides up humanity into three categories
according to our varying capacity to behave
with confidence and trust in relationships.
Firstly, there are those who are securely
attached, who had reliable and good childhood
experiences and now expect to be positively
treated by those they love, fortunate types
who are capable of empathy and generosity
– and communicate with honesty and directness
about their needs. Around 50% of the population
is assumed to be securely attached. This leaves
two fascinating deviations from health, caused
by some form of early parental letdown and
trauma: the first kind of attachment pattern
is known as Avoidant, the second as Anxious.
What makes things even more complicated and
very combustible is that Avoidant and Anxious
people are frequently drawn to forming couples
(it’s part of their pathology) where their
varied emotional quirks contribute to an especially
fraught combination. An Anxiously attached
person in a relationship will have the characteristic
feeling of not being properly appreciated
and loved. They would – they tell themselves
– like so much more closeness, tenderness,
touch and sex – and are convinced that such
a union could be possible. The person they
are with, however, seems to them humiliatingly
and hurtfully detached. They never seem to
want them with as much intensity as they offer
them. They are hugely saddened by their coldness
and distance and gradually fall into moods
of self-loathing and rejection, feeling unappreciated
and misunderstood, as well as vengeful and
resentful. For a long time, they might keep
quiet about their frustrations until eventually
desperation erupts. Even if it is a very inappropriate
moment (perhaps they and their partner are
exhausted and it’s past midnight), they
won’t be able not to insist on addressing
the issues right now. Predictably, these sort
of fights go very wrong. The anxious lover
loses their calm, they exaggerate and drive
their points home with such viciousness that
they leave their partner convinced that they
are mad and mean. Related image A securely
attached partner might know how to soothe
the situation, but an avoidant one certainly
doesn’t. Tragically, this avoidant party
triggers every insecurity known to their anxious
lover. Under pressure to be warmer and more
connected, the avoidant partner instinctively
withdraws and feels overwhelmed and hounded.
They go cold – and disconnect from the situation
only further ramping up the partner’s anxiety.
Underneath their silence, the avoidant one
resents feeling, as they put it, ‘controlled’;
they have the impression of being got at,
unfairly persecuted and disturbed by the other’s
‘neediness’. They may quietly fantasise
about going off to have sex with someone else
completely, preferably a total stranger or
of going into the other room and reading a
book, but probably not one about psychology.
It helps immensely to know that this is not
your relationship only, it’s a type and
there are – quite literally – millions
of them unfolding on the planet at any point.
Even better, the causes of the distress, which
feel so personal and so insulting, are in
fact general phenomena, well studied and mapped
by sober researchers in lab coats. The solution,
as ever, is simply knowledge. There is an
immense difference between acting out on one’s
avoidant or anxious impulses – and, as would
be preferable, understanding that one has
them, grasping where they came from and explaining
to ourselves and others why they make us do
what we do. We cannot – most of us – be
wholly healthy in love, but we can be something
almost as beneficial: we can grow into people
committed to explaining our unhealthy, trauma-driven
behaviour in good time, before we have become
overly furious and hurt others too much – and
apologising for our antics after they have
run their course. There are few things more
romantic, in the true sense, than a couple
who have learnt to tell one another with wit
and composure that they have been triggered
in an avoidant or an anxious direction, but
are doing everything they can to get on top
of things – and hope to be normal again
in a little while.
Love is a skill that we can learn. Our relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm through the key issues of relationships to ensure that success in love need not be a matter of good luck. for more be sure to subscribe to our channel and turn on notifications.
