How to Get Married – Free Ebook

the way we get married has changed very little for centuries but what we expect from marriages has changed beyond recognition we know so much now about why marriages go wrong but so little of that knowledge ever makes it into the wedding ceremony itself that’s why we’ve decided to redesign the marriage ceremony creating a modern event that’s more realistic and more psychological and therefore better able to help a couple with the joys and sorrows of life together people still long for ritual and formality a wedding remains a big deal and it’s good to reflect that in the dignity of the clothes and the setting let’s listen in on what happens in our designed marriage ceremony we are gathered today for a solemn event profoundly hopeful but infinitely difficult we’re here to celebrate the wedding of Emily and Simon a good marriage is not one from which troubles are magically absent it is one in which troubles are faced with insight and generosity there are a series of rituals in the wedding ceremony things kick off with what’s called the ritual of humility humility is probably the most important emotion for the success of a relationship humility starts with an ample accurate and sorrowful recognition of all one’s failings it is filled with apology and modesty it doesn’t pretend that flaws are charming quirks or excusable oddities it contains an open admission that we wish we were different and better Simon do you admit that you’re a failed broken human being not in every way but in some ways so serious that you will at points be a grave burden to Emily yes I admit I am failed and broken before coming here today freely and openly and after careful reflection you have listed your failings as you recognize them you’ve listed them in this book this is your book of imperfections would you now before me your partner and your guests read some of what you have stated in your own words I acknowledge that are not good at communicating my feelings maturely I won’t say what’s bothering me but instead sulk and expect you to read my mind and get furious at you and you can’t I can be quite self-involved I tend to assume that if you’re upset it’s something about me I get jealous even over small incidents and become petty and hateful instead of showing that I’m afraid of losing you both partners admit to their multiple faults self-righteousness is after all the great enemy of love neither of us is fully sane or healthy we are committed to treating each other as broken people with enormous kindness and imagination when we manage it there is nothing odd about this couple beyond the ordinary oddness that is everyone’s lot they’ve merely put into words the errors and failings of which we are all continuously guilty [Music] [Music] next comes what we call the ritual of charity charity is at the heart of love charity means finding the least alarming least panicked view of why the other is acting as they are it sees the fear behind the aggression it sees the loneliness at the root of a sulk it recognizes how shame can make a person defiant and how a hidden worry can unleash excessive harshness will you now exchange the ritual gifts of charity a couple are exchanging photographs of one another from childhood we naturally act towards a child with a spirit of love we often find it hard to adopt towards adults this exchange of childhood images symbolizes a commitment to treat one another with the kindness one wouldn’t hesitate to show a child but so often refuse grown-ups or it will place this child version of you that was the center of my love I will try to see your faults as a consequence of troubles in your past I will look after the broken child within you [Music] [Music] lastly comes the exchange of rings and a spousal valve knowing all this fearing all this hoping all this will you in front of us all bow to Wed each other will you agree to share your lives with all the restraint and sorrow that will be involved as well as the joy and the kindness and the friendship we did I now declare you married [Applause] no marriage is ever without serious challenges but starting a marriage with a wedding ceremony that’s alive to these challenges and gives us some gentle guidance on how to avoid them helps us to get off on the right footing [Music] if you’d like to buy the book how to get married which has our full marriage service in it along with advice on preparing for and managing marriage please click the link on screen now and if you’d like our help in actually putting on your own marriage service please contact us by the link in the description

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